Oh Dad how I miss you...

As an adult I can think back when my grandma would say when your older you will appreciate why your parents said and did what they did Jill, it was for your benefit. How I wish I could talk to my Grandma Ferrin or talk to my dad. My father had a way of knowing what I meant, not judging me. We had a lot of great talks. I remember one night my heart was breaking I was in love and the world was ending. He came out on the porch sat down and said. I hope you fall in love many more times, I hope your heart breaks many more times. Because each time it breaks you learn more. Each time you grow a little more. And by the time your ready to really spend your life with someone you will know what not to do. I know my parents thought I was not listening. I really did listen, I just did not always do what they preferred right then. Okay so I am 20, 30, 40 years behind. But I listened. My father was soft gentle, kind, firm, wise, caring. He could talk to anyone and if he did not care for them it did not show. He treated everyone as wonderful as he could, and he did the one thing I have been lousy at....But now I am listening... I want to hear what my children have to say. I want to be able to try to do as my father did. I cannot go back in time, I cannot change the past. What I can do is change today, and tomorrow. I will smile more often, laugh as much as possible, love with everything I have. Let everyone I love know they are important. And most of all the most important thing besides love that I learned from my father was to FORGIVE, Forgive myself, forgive others, and leave the past to dry up and blow away. Once you have been forgiven by whoever you have gone against you have to let it go. And even if they do not see to deserve it, you have to forgive them the most. You have to be the bigger person, reach out to those you have pulled away from or who have pulled away from you. Show them unconditional love. If you can talk about whatever, then move on promising to never again speak of it. My father always said forgiving ourselves is the hardest part, we are the toughest judges. I wish I could have had a father daughter dance to remember at a wedding, I wish my father could see my new grandchildren. I wish he was there to raise the one eyebrow and say in a firm tone "Jill, do we need to talk". Well dad yes we do, I am sorry for the things you would not like, I am sorry you are not here for the things you would, and I wish you could help me take an invisible rope of love, understanding, and friendship and bring our family together, close. I love my children, my own little family. But I really wish you could be here but I would not wish you back with all you had to deal with. I would only wish it if you were here, and happy, and healthy. I look forward to the day we are reunited, but not for a long time. I have many more mistakes to make, many more happy days to experience. I still need to find someone who will love me, like you did, see the real person and then you would wrap your arms around me and say "Your father in Heaven loves you, and will forgive you and so will I " or " I am so proud of you and how much you have grown. What can I say, I miss my father, but I know he will be there when I need him the most.

Why Relationships Fail, If only I had realized this sooner......

Last night it suddenly came to me as I was speaking to a friend that marriages or relationships fail for one major reason. When they are not getting the emotional, physical, mental attention they need or want, they turn to someone else, a friend, the internet, pornography etc. They will confide in a stranger, or a friend what they would not tell their spouse or loved one. Its easy to fall in love, really easy as far as you find someone that really turns your heart over and then all the chemical things take place, we get excited and happy to see them, our hearts race when we do see them. We feel as if the whole world is alright as long as we are with them. Then reality sets in...job, money, children, bills, and everything else. And suddenly piece by piece we forget what made us crazy in love. We forget how wonderful it felt. Then we start to forget to take care of our partner. They like us have emotional needs, mental needs, physical needs and spiritual needs. If we forget to pay attention we can start to lose those pieces of them and when we finally try to put it back together well we lose pieces or we give up. We confide in others, have conversations we should have with our spouses only. No matter how hard turning to our one and only is the only way to keep the marriage alive. IF and WHEN I ever get married again I feel as if I am going to try with everything I have to 10 years late for them to still feel as if they are still and always falling in love with me. I like others have made mistakes in marriage, we all do, but watching people who should be together who are wonderful couples, watching them treat each other poorly, and watching as they lose the fire and spark they one shared. I remember how great it was to fall in love, to have that excitement in my life. And I remember how good it felt to be excited to let them know they were on my mind all the time. I watch men and women as friends go do things together without their spouses, they say we are just friends. I say you should never go do anything with anyone of the opposite sex without their spouse and or yours. If you feel lost, unloved, unappreciated, not needed anymore its time to get into the safe zone. For an hour you sit on the couch, floor and hold a pillow. You take turns you each talk about one thing that really is hard for you, or you wish were different they you decide how to fix it. The pillows are therapeutic, you can squeeze them, hold them or just have them there if you want something to strangle (ha ha) joke people. I am not a therapist, by any means. Just a woman who has made mistakes, misses being in love, and knows I will make sure I am not the same as I was before. Look at your spouse and say this to yourself.." I will never do anything without you around I would not do in front of you, I will not say anything when your absent I wouldn't say in front of your face. I will defend your honor, support your choices even If I don't agree. And be grateful you have someone to hold onto tonight. Someone who loves you truly and completely. Well so much for my two cents on this subject.... NExt...

Grown Children

As a Mother I love my children, so very very much. But having children is also a day to day adventure. Learning that they are grown, have their own life, their own challenges, their own ups and downs. And most of all learning that I am not the most important in their life (I shouldn't be) but..its still hard to imagine that years ago I wondered if I would ever get any alone time. Now I spend days alone wondering why it all went so fast. An old saying but really it goes so fast. Now one of my daughters is having a baby and I am happy, excited, and also realizing that they say its "My time" but to me that means when my daughter text me asking me to go to lunch. That makes my day, that's "My time". My youngest is 21 now and life is truly an adventure. I have to constantly tell myself its normal,even healthy to have space in relationships between parent and children. My oldest daughter is in North Carolina. I am really proud of her, but I miss her more then I could put into words. Wishing I could just hear from her in any format. My oldest child and only son is hurting because the mother of his child has not let us see him for months. And I step back and breathe and pray that if they need me they will call, if they need "Mom" I will run ASAP. But I have to admit its hard to start this part of my life where I am suppose to reinvent myself. I am suppose to find a man, a job and happiness all in one. Wow and I only want more moments of "Hey mom what are you doing?" I love those moments. And come January I will hold my grand baby and watch my daughter and son in law learn what loving someone really feels like. They will be awesome. I have no doubts. I miss those days when crying, diapers, and messes were the order of the day. I look forward to the short but sweet moments of "Hey mom, what you doing?"

Dating horrors.....

Warning before you read this just know that there will be some real horror stories of my dating mistakes, woes, etc. Be prepared it should make you laugh,smile, and say what the heck? So here we go.. I am over 50 and made sure on the dating site to put that I had morals standards. First and most importantly yes I actually put it on my dating profile that if Sex was all you wanted to keep on moving...Also I made sure to put I go up and down in weight due to steroids I take for my rare disease...Remember that part. Date 1: After several weeks of emailing, texting, we decide to meet. All seems find. He understands I want a gentleman.We meet for dinner at Chilis or Applebees anyhow we meet. I can tell he has sized me up and isn't happy.But I figure I can sit through a lousy date for an hour, hey I got out of the house right? Sitting at the table we order our dinner, here is the conversation... Me: So be honest I am not your type right? I can tell you were disappointed. Date: Well yeah you have a pretty face but are too fat for me. Me: Say what??? You really just said that? Date: Well you said you wanted honesty. Me: Well thats okay I wanted a gentleman also and can see I am not getting one. Date: If you want I could lower my standards and sleep with you tonight. Me: (I stand up, take a sip of my water and then oops...oh yeah I threw it in his face. Date: What the """"" Me: Well if you dont know what its for I cant help you. I start to walk away, two or three people at other tables over heard and start clapping. Date: Yells...nooone walks away from me, I mean come on look at me... I said yeah look at you... Jerk in a booth..and I walked out the door. And just to clear it up I did throw $10.00 on the table to cover my dinner that hadnt even shown up yet. He was lucky that wasnt on his head...oh I am so so so bad.... Date 2: After 3 long months, phone conversations, and lots of honesty I drove to Idaho to meet my date. Dinner went great he was a real neat guy..oh no yea can you feel it coming.. until.... He had 6 bedrooms and lived by himself. He gave me the keys to one of them so I could have my own room and feel secure. He goes to bed, I lay on couch in living room fully clothed watching TV. I fall asleep. Now before you rush to judgement It was my mistake going up there but to be fair it was an hour and a half away...anyways back to the date. I wake up after about an hour to someone grabbing my chest. I immediately jump up saying what the heck. I look over and my date is standing there buck naked as the day he was born. Wow I say, I mean wow what the heck? Date: Well come on baby you know you want me look at this body. Me: (I did not say anything. I grabbed my purse, my shoes and ran..........at 3 am drove all the way home feeling stupid! Date 3: Again I was honest and up front with all these men. This one really seemed to be sweet. I even let him pick me up rather then meeting him. We get to chilis and have a good snack and good conversation. He is holding my hand, commenting on my eyes and how pretty they are. Geez he might actually be normal. I even text my daughter saying wow a good date for once. BOY was that my first mistake. He takes me home. I let him know I like him but am tired and need to go take my son home. Date asks for hug. I say sure and hug him. He is holding my hand. Next thing I know he grabs my hand shoves it onto his privates saying see baby what you do to me? I was really bad here so warning this is the bad part... I smacked his private parts and said no thanks. and oh yes I do NOT want another date. His comment. Whats wrong with you I thought you should see what your missing.. Oh Heavenly Father if there is one man left alive who is single and semi normal please send him my way.. but unless a bolt of lighting hits I am almost ready to give up dating.... Until later my friends. I am cuddling up with my pillow and some tv time.

Job Searching

Sometimes it seems as if I am on this journey to a future that I am meant to find. Let me explain just a bit. I have found a terrific job, enjoyed the company, the people, and was excited every morning to get up and move forward. Then after just a short month they let me know they had found someone for less money to fill the position and I was no longer needed. STOP...Say What? Did I do something wrong? Did I make a horrid mistake? Just 5 days before this I was taken out to lunch and it was celebrated how grateful they were to have me. Oh well, life moves on. I took a deep breath and started again at trying to find the job I could retire with. Now for those who know me I love genealogy, love doing it for other people and know I should be doing that for the rest of my life. But trying to get my company restarted while trying to find out if I can work full time? Part time? Oh yes I am getting moved from SSI to disability. Finally now the big question. How much will my insurance be monthly? How many hours can I work? how much money can I make? Oh anyways here I am jumping around from subject to subject. I filled out over 39 job applications today. Always hoping and praying I can find the one. If you think this blog is confusing just wait until I get going on the one about dating... that one can take me off into page after page of scary dates and me wondering if not only if there is the perfect job for me but if I will ever find the man for me. Here is a funny note, I received a call from my niece, who had taken my dog over 2 years ago because my apartment would not let me have animals. Anyhow I received a call saying my dog Charlie had passed away. Okay really bad day right? Except they had called me a year ago saying he died. So my response was wow my dog was like me? She said what do you mean? I said well I have died a few times and now charlie has also? Are we sure he is dead? She said I never said he was dead I said I thought he was dying. Well folks if you are still reading this she stated he had died. I mourned the loss of my dog and friend over a year ago. Now it feels as sad as it did then. Well so much for this first post in a long time, I just felt the need to vent. oh and so much more is coming..... ha ha.