Oh Dad how I miss you...

As an adult I can think back when my grandma would say when your older you will appreciate why your parents said and did what they did Jill, it was for your benefit. How I wish I could talk to my Grandma Ferrin or talk to my dad. My father had a way of knowing what I meant, not judging me. We had a lot of great talks. I remember one night my heart was breaking I was in love and the world was ending. He came out on the porch sat down and said. I hope you fall in love many more times, I hope your heart breaks many more times. Because each time it breaks you learn more. Each time you grow a little more. And by the time your ready to really spend your life with someone you will know what not to do. I know my parents thought I was not listening. I really did listen, I just did not always do what they preferred right then. Okay so I am 20, 30, 40 years behind. But I listened. My father was soft gentle, kind, firm, wise, caring. He could talk to anyone and if he did not care for them it did not show. He treated everyone as wonderful as he could, and he did the one thing I have been lousy at....But now I am listening... I want to hear what my children have to say. I want to be able to try to do as my father did. I cannot go back in time, I cannot change the past. What I can do is change today, and tomorrow. I will smile more often, laugh as much as possible, love with everything I have. Let everyone I love know they are important. And most of all the most important thing besides love that I learned from my father was to FORGIVE, Forgive myself, forgive others, and leave the past to dry up and blow away. Once you have been forgiven by whoever you have gone against you have to let it go. And even if they do not see to deserve it, you have to forgive them the most. You have to be the bigger person, reach out to those you have pulled away from or who have pulled away from you. Show them unconditional love. If you can talk about whatever, then move on promising to never again speak of it. My father always said forgiving ourselves is the hardest part, we are the toughest judges. I wish I could have had a father daughter dance to remember at a wedding, I wish my father could see my new grandchildren. I wish he was there to raise the one eyebrow and say in a firm tone "Jill, do we need to talk". Well dad yes we do, I am sorry for the things you would not like, I am sorry you are not here for the things you would, and I wish you could help me take an invisible rope of love, understanding, and friendship and bring our family together, close. I love my children, my own little family. But I really wish you could be here but I would not wish you back with all you had to deal with. I would only wish it if you were here, and happy, and healthy. I look forward to the day we are reunited, but not for a long time. I have many more mistakes to make, many more happy days to experience. I still need to find someone who will love me, like you did, see the real person and then you would wrap your arms around me and say "Your father in Heaven loves you, and will forgive you and so will I " or " I am so proud of you and how much you have grown. What can I say, I miss my father, but I know he will be there when I need him the most.