Something happened 35/36 years ago, I was young, naive and had no idea what life would bring.
Fairy tales were some thing I still wanted to believe in, and in the most unusual thing happened,
you found me, you made me smile, made me laugh, and made me feel at home around you.
We became friends, great friends, then feelings grew.
I was being told so much behind the scenes, things I have shared with you, things I have not
but you made me feel accepted, you showed me that you had faith in me, and you showed me that
you were the first person who ever loved me outside of family.
I was told I wasn't mature enough for you, I was not good enough for you, by my friends, by your friends, by family, it was a battle we tried to fight and stay together.
You were a gentleman, you made me feel special, the day you gave me your class ring to wear, well I
felt as if I had the moon. the day I had to give it back was hard, but onward to our story.
A story of friendship, love, tragedy, all the great things that people like to read. You convinced my parents to let you take me to prom, my dad helped me buy the biggest pinkest dress, with the poof at the bottom, like in olden days.
I felt like a fool when right before prom people said things that you and I both know now are not true.
But I was told you had someone else, but for some reason you could not take her because your parents
didnt approve. I was told you asked me so everyone would think you were over her.
At prom I told you I was crying because of a missionary I had written to,how could I tell you that I was going to tell you how I loved you, how yes I wanted us to be together forever, what a great friend you were, and then I found out that supposedly you were in love with someone one else.
So I cried, embarrassed myself, embarrassed you, I believed those stories because I truly thought those
involved were doing the best for me, and now I know they did not think I was good enough.
You held me as we danced, you dried my tears, you even told me how sorry you were my heart was broke, while at the same time your heart had to hurt. If only we had known the sabotage we were both
going through, I know they thought they were helping, but they caused us to both have the greatest separation of love I could have ever endured. I had to wait 33 years to tell you.
When I was raped right after I graduated I could not tell you what they had done to me, I could not share my pain, my confusion, I was shattered. I could not tell you what your friends had said, I thought they always had your best interests at heart. They were right I was damaged then and you deserved better.
Life took us both down other roads, mine a road of heartache, love, happiness yes, but never finding
what I had already had in my life.
Some days I feel guilty for loving you, I know I should not, but then I realize I love you with the purest
of hearts, with the purest of intent, missing my friend, missing that quiet connection we shared.
I wonder at times why I feel as if everything pulls me back to you, always back to you.
A story never finished, a book never closed, a chapter where the end was never found.
We have a story that I am not sure even we know where and what could have been.
I will always love you, I will always miss you, I have had 2 great men in my life who I loved and lost.
You were the first, you were the one i knew in my heart I was always being pulled towards.
Do you remember at the skating rink, it had been over 20 years, I was tired, and in my grubby's, I had
a whole bunch of children for a party, I looked up and you smiled, I smiled. The feeling when you walked towards me and hugged me was unreal.
We were old friends reconnecting, some may read this and see something inappropriate but you have to know that as with all written things they can be taken many ways.
It seems "coincidental" that at the moments in my life I need you, I need your friendship, I need the person who loved me, we run into each other in some way.
Time has not dulled my senses, it has not changed how I have felt,if anything I have learned I loved you more. Because when I told you the truth, and let you know I never left you, not by choice..you forgave me. The healing happened and I felt as if I could breathe.
I feel as if God puts those we need in our lives,
You made me feel loved, accepted, needed, appreciated, for just being myself.
You believed when the world didnt, you saw who I was meant to be.
I feel like the moment you gave me your high school ring it would symbolize our relationship
A circle of love, friendship, strong, powerful, never ending....
You have my undying thanks, appreciation, support at my weakest moments, and a lifetime of love.
"For My Friend".............
Tuesday, July 31, 2018
Sunday, July 29, 2018
IF ONLY
If only I could go back to the first conversation, back to the first kiss, the first everything.
I know it would not change much, but I feel as if from the beginning to the end maybe if
I was really me, then maybe I could find you....
I woke up tonight upset, crying your name and found myself realizing that I had to admit so much.
I had to admit I love you, I had to admit that I was not what you wanted or needed.
If only in my search for whomever it is or was that I was meant to love I realized that I do want the passion I give or feel to be returned.
I want someone who needs me, who wants me, who feels as strongly about holding on to who you love, never letting go.
I woke up and made myself a promise, that I would focus on living my life, helping those I can.
and maybe some day I will feel open again.
I will be open minded, have an open heart, and find the missing piece of my life.
Someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, someone who when they hug me I feel as if they
are pulling me into them.
Life is hard enough without doing it alone, Love is hard enough to only have one person feel it.
When you are loved you miss them, you need them, you want them, but most of all you want their happiness more then you want yours.
If only those moments that leave you breathless, that make your soul feel like its been touched.well they should be treasured.
If only the big mistakes I made I could undo, but the hardest thing I ever did was let you go.
If only the time I wasted, the love I did not acknowledge, changed me, helped me to mature.
I cannot undo what I have done, but I can be different, I can take all the hardships, all the challenges
and I can appreciate what I have.
If only I had not loved you, but then I would not have known how it feels to hold you, love you, need you and because of it, let you go.
You said that my caring went too fast, but it was not what I wanted, I wanted to just enjoy and let you go I suppose God had other ideas.
I wonder at times if we had a real chance, no issues, no drama, what could we or would we do?
What if we both ended all the games and just honestly let ourselves be ourselves
If only I hadnt loved you, if only you would have just relaxed and allow yourself to feel.
If only I could stop missing you, stop needing you...
I know it would not change much, but I feel as if from the beginning to the end maybe if
I was really me, then maybe I could find you....
I woke up tonight upset, crying your name and found myself realizing that I had to admit so much.
I had to admit I love you, I had to admit that I was not what you wanted or needed.
If only in my search for whomever it is or was that I was meant to love I realized that I do want the passion I give or feel to be returned.
I want someone who needs me, who wants me, who feels as strongly about holding on to who you love, never letting go.
I woke up and made myself a promise, that I would focus on living my life, helping those I can.
and maybe some day I will feel open again.
I will be open minded, have an open heart, and find the missing piece of my life.
Someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, someone who when they hug me I feel as if they
are pulling me into them.
Life is hard enough without doing it alone, Love is hard enough to only have one person feel it.
When you are loved you miss them, you need them, you want them, but most of all you want their happiness more then you want yours.
If only those moments that leave you breathless, that make your soul feel like its been touched.well they should be treasured.
If only the big mistakes I made I could undo, but the hardest thing I ever did was let you go.
If only the time I wasted, the love I did not acknowledge, changed me, helped me to mature.
I cannot undo what I have done, but I can be different, I can take all the hardships, all the challenges
and I can appreciate what I have.
If only I had not loved you, but then I would not have known how it feels to hold you, love you, need you and because of it, let you go.
You said that my caring went too fast, but it was not what I wanted, I wanted to just enjoy and let you go I suppose God had other ideas.
I wonder at times if we had a real chance, no issues, no drama, what could we or would we do?
What if we both ended all the games and just honestly let ourselves be ourselves
If only I hadnt loved you, if only you would have just relaxed and allow yourself to feel.
If only I could stop missing you, stop needing you...
Thursday, July 26, 2018
My Diary For Me, For You, For Growth,
"One of us moved on, One of us got stuck,.."
When I was told that time was short, that I would never get sicker and slowly pass like most.
That I would just be here, then gone I had a long talk with Heavenly Father.
I only wanted a few things and would do whatever was asked by them.
Call it crazy, call it strange or unreal. But I asked that I was able to see my girls get out of high school
and start their lives, 2: I asked that I was able to see my daughter get married, and 3: I asked to feel love again, the kind that turns everything around in my heart the kind that leaves the impact for the rest of your life.
So now I have had experienced everything, I asked for, I am trying to do what I was asked to do.
There are those who say you do not make deals with Heavenly Father, it was not a deal, just a request.
My Diary For Me, For You, For Growth
Today I woke up and I missed you, more then I have missed you before. I needed you and I could not reach out, I have to quit reaching out.
I would like to say I dont understand why, but I do, you couldnt, or didnt want or didnt need to say
good bye, I cried a little, okay maybe alot.
I picked myself up, and took a deep breath, and moved forward.
I looked at the sun coming up, I forced myself to be content for a moment, then I heard the song, and
I listened, and cried and again wished I could call you, reach out and just one day, for one day feel
truly connected, like we reached each other, then I wondered why I would wish that.
It was because I wanted to know for one day we were our true selves.
It would never change anything, I doubt you would suddenly want to keep me but i suppose
we all want to know that for better or worse we saw them and they see us.
I decided I would be each day the best version I have of myself, I would not allow the nervousness
to ever return. And I would accept that perhaps even if you saw me for who I am, it would not change
anything at all.
A Little bit stronger, just a little bit, and I know that through helping others I will find my place again.
I will find the happiness of feeling needed, wanted, again.
But for today, I will try to promise myself I will be okay. For today I will promise myself that I will get through today, thats all. I will listen to some songs, find a way to make sure they grow into the ones
where I smile. I do not regret loving you, needing you, so I move forward, day by day.
I will post again, mostly for me, to grow, to learn, to heal
When I was told that time was short, that I would never get sicker and slowly pass like most.
That I would just be here, then gone I had a long talk with Heavenly Father.
I only wanted a few things and would do whatever was asked by them.
Call it crazy, call it strange or unreal. But I asked that I was able to see my girls get out of high school
and start their lives, 2: I asked that I was able to see my daughter get married, and 3: I asked to feel love again, the kind that turns everything around in my heart the kind that leaves the impact for the rest of your life.
So now I have had experienced everything, I asked for, I am trying to do what I was asked to do.
There are those who say you do not make deals with Heavenly Father, it was not a deal, just a request.
My Diary For Me, For You, For Growth
Today I woke up and I missed you, more then I have missed you before. I needed you and I could not reach out, I have to quit reaching out.
I would like to say I dont understand why, but I do, you couldnt, or didnt want or didnt need to say
good bye, I cried a little, okay maybe alot.
I picked myself up, and took a deep breath, and moved forward.
I looked at the sun coming up, I forced myself to be content for a moment, then I heard the song, and
I listened, and cried and again wished I could call you, reach out and just one day, for one day feel
truly connected, like we reached each other, then I wondered why I would wish that.
It was because I wanted to know for one day we were our true selves.
It would never change anything, I doubt you would suddenly want to keep me but i suppose
we all want to know that for better or worse we saw them and they see us.
I decided I would be each day the best version I have of myself, I would not allow the nervousness
to ever return. And I would accept that perhaps even if you saw me for who I am, it would not change
anything at all.
A Little bit stronger, just a little bit, and I know that through helping others I will find my place again.
I will find the happiness of feeling needed, wanted, again.
But for today, I will try to promise myself I will be okay. For today I will promise myself that I will get through today, thats all. I will listen to some songs, find a way to make sure they grow into the ones
where I smile. I do not regret loving you, needing you, so I move forward, day by day.
I will post again, mostly for me, to grow, to learn, to heal
Saturday, July 14, 2018
When you need me, when you need to feel loved
Dear You,
I am writing this for the day I am not here anymore.
When you need me, I will always be there. When you need to feel loved, I will still love you.
When you need someone to believe in you, I will always believe in you.
When you need someone to help you hold on for one more day, I will be there to hold your hand.
I have always been there, I will always be there, you might not be able to call me, or hold me,
or have a conversation like we use to, but I will still be there.
Just remember that I always have, always will be there.
I know you have someone inside you dont believe in, someone you want to be, thought you would be,
but you just havent found him yet.
Well I saw him, moments at a time, but I saw him, I know he is there.
He is afraid, terribly afraid of someone seeing him, loving him anyway faults and all.
Someone who no matter what will always pick up the phone if they can to be there.
But when I am gone, know that I still will be checking on you, I will still be encouraging you to
pick yourself up, look in the mirror and fight another day, for another chance to be you.
You never let me in, and thats okay, but no matter how hard you tried, I saw you, I loved you,
everything you were fighting against happened. So what does that tell you?
Why can I do this? How do I do this? Well I had my time, I still have days, moments where I think
noone should love me. But then I remember I had the greatest father and mother who loved me at
my worst, believed when I didnt, loved me when I didnt deserve it.
I had a grandmother who always would say, Someday you will come back to who you were meant to be, and well I am telling you now that I know someday you will be who you want to be.
You will love who you were meant to love, your dreams will come true.
However you will need to work hard, harder then you ever have, quit burying your feelings in alcohol
and face the truth. Face the pain, get through it, and in the sober light of day you will feel new again.
It will hurt, it will take you to the darkest place you could go, but here is the thing you can do it
You have the ability, and someone believes in you, believes that no matter how many times you fall or stumble you will get it right.
I am writing this so that when you turn around and i am gone, and you cant find me because I am home, you will remember that I still will be there, believing in you, loving you, and wanting your happiness.
I love you, and know who you are, really are, you are damaged, you are beating yourself up, you think you deserve what you got, No you made choices, and there were other people who had their free agency, you need to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror, and know there are people who will pull you through this.
I am proud of you, I know someday when your where you should be, you will see what I mean.
When you need me, when you need to feel loved, I will still be there.
Always,
Me
(Written by Jill Ferrin Bailey)
I am writing this for the day I am not here anymore.
When you need me, I will always be there. When you need to feel loved, I will still love you.
When you need someone to believe in you, I will always believe in you.
When you need someone to help you hold on for one more day, I will be there to hold your hand.
I have always been there, I will always be there, you might not be able to call me, or hold me,
or have a conversation like we use to, but I will still be there.
Just remember that I always have, always will be there.
I know you have someone inside you dont believe in, someone you want to be, thought you would be,
but you just havent found him yet.
Well I saw him, moments at a time, but I saw him, I know he is there.
He is afraid, terribly afraid of someone seeing him, loving him anyway faults and all.
Someone who no matter what will always pick up the phone if they can to be there.
But when I am gone, know that I still will be checking on you, I will still be encouraging you to
pick yourself up, look in the mirror and fight another day, for another chance to be you.
You never let me in, and thats okay, but no matter how hard you tried, I saw you, I loved you,
everything you were fighting against happened. So what does that tell you?
Why can I do this? How do I do this? Well I had my time, I still have days, moments where I think
noone should love me. But then I remember I had the greatest father and mother who loved me at
my worst, believed when I didnt, loved me when I didnt deserve it.
I had a grandmother who always would say, Someday you will come back to who you were meant to be, and well I am telling you now that I know someday you will be who you want to be.
You will love who you were meant to love, your dreams will come true.
However you will need to work hard, harder then you ever have, quit burying your feelings in alcohol
and face the truth. Face the pain, get through it, and in the sober light of day you will feel new again.
It will hurt, it will take you to the darkest place you could go, but here is the thing you can do it
You have the ability, and someone believes in you, believes that no matter how many times you fall or stumble you will get it right.
I am writing this so that when you turn around and i am gone, and you cant find me because I am home, you will remember that I still will be there, believing in you, loving you, and wanting your happiness.
I love you, and know who you are, really are, you are damaged, you are beating yourself up, you think you deserve what you got, No you made choices, and there were other people who had their free agency, you need to stand up, look at yourself in the mirror, and know there are people who will pull you through this.
I am proud of you, I know someday when your where you should be, you will see what I mean.
When you need me, when you need to feel loved, I will still be there.
Always,
Me
(Written by Jill Ferrin Bailey)
Letting Go, Moving Forward, Living with a Memory
My Heavenly Father has taught me some important lessons recently. They have challenged all I know about myself and yet it also showed me I could learn, grow, accept alot I did not believe I could.
When you meet someone who changes your life, so much that years later you still love them, if circumstances were different you would choose to be with them. But Heavenly Father also brings
memories and situations not to hurt us, but to teach us. First and foremost love is not a bad thing, it never is, its what we do with it that is important. Loving someone unconditionally is the most Christlike thing we can do. But we also have to keep it appropriate. We cannot allow old feelings, new feelings,
to send us in directions we should not be in.
Memories are either a great learning experience, or they are a teaching tool, sometimes both.
Memories can make our hearts full again, they can help us to fill the love we use to, or the pain.
But we should also step back review them, learn, love, and move on.
I made the mistake of holding on to someone who is gone for so long I could not love anyone else.
It did not do me any good, it hurt people because they knew I wished I were somewhere else with someone else.
I learned to forgive myself for this, I learned to change my behavior, I asked for forgiveness and most importantly I forgave myself.
Love should always be a positive thing, it should never cause others pain, it should never cause us to
do things to hurt ourselves or anyone else.
I was blessed to know un conditional love, when he looked at me I felt as if he really knew me, he really loved me. i also knew that no matter what, the time we shared would always be wonderful
Then I realized I needed to honor that love, and allow myself to love again.
Love is not about waiting for them to love you, or who loves whom more. Love should be something
that we share, we feel it, and give it freely. What the other person does is in their personal part.
We cannot control what others feel for us, or do not feel, and if someone does not love us we cannot
force ourselves to quit loving them. Someday, they will know what you gave to them, they will see
that you did love them, completely. That it didnt work because they did not love you, and love is truly only wonderful if both love each other.
Our Heavenly father in all his wisdom teaches us about love, compassion, and all the other wonderful
things in life. Love will hurt at times, it will tear your heart out, but if you learn and grow when you love again you will love deeper, you will feel more compassion, and you will cherish it more.
When you meet someone who changes your life, so much that years later you still love them, if circumstances were different you would choose to be with them. But Heavenly Father also brings
memories and situations not to hurt us, but to teach us. First and foremost love is not a bad thing, it never is, its what we do with it that is important. Loving someone unconditionally is the most Christlike thing we can do. But we also have to keep it appropriate. We cannot allow old feelings, new feelings,
to send us in directions we should not be in.
Memories are either a great learning experience, or they are a teaching tool, sometimes both.
Memories can make our hearts full again, they can help us to fill the love we use to, or the pain.
But we should also step back review them, learn, love, and move on.
I made the mistake of holding on to someone who is gone for so long I could not love anyone else.
It did not do me any good, it hurt people because they knew I wished I were somewhere else with someone else.
I learned to forgive myself for this, I learned to change my behavior, I asked for forgiveness and most importantly I forgave myself.
Love should always be a positive thing, it should never cause others pain, it should never cause us to
do things to hurt ourselves or anyone else.
I was blessed to know un conditional love, when he looked at me I felt as if he really knew me, he really loved me. i also knew that no matter what, the time we shared would always be wonderful
Then I realized I needed to honor that love, and allow myself to love again.
Love is not about waiting for them to love you, or who loves whom more. Love should be something
that we share, we feel it, and give it freely. What the other person does is in their personal part.
We cannot control what others feel for us, or do not feel, and if someone does not love us we cannot
force ourselves to quit loving them. Someday, they will know what you gave to them, they will see
that you did love them, completely. That it didnt work because they did not love you, and love is truly only wonderful if both love each other.
Our Heavenly father in all his wisdom teaches us about love, compassion, and all the other wonderful
things in life. Love will hurt at times, it will tear your heart out, but if you learn and grow when you love again you will love deeper, you will feel more compassion, and you will cherish it more.
Why I write my feelings, and am either brave enough to share or stupid enough lol
After my 2 prior posts yesterday I was asked why or how I could put my deepest feelings into writings.
Hey be glad all of you that I haven't posted 4 of my 5 books on here yet. ha ha.\
I have been living the last 8 or 9 years as if they were the last days of my life.
After being told I had 3 months to live and well sorry world I stick around 8 1/2 more years
I made the decision to share who I am, perhaps its part for the legacy I leave behind.
My children, my grandchildren, assuming the internet will still be going when they are grown.
But I try to never mention names when its my deepest feelings. I talk about my family, I talk about
my thoughts and feelings. But its part therapy, part legacy, and part finding out how I grow or decline.
Most keep diaries, or hidden thoughts, for me well this is who I am. I am an author, a speaker and well
I try to share, the pain I go through whether physical or mental or emotional will help me grow,and
change, and be stronger. I can also look back view my mistakes, and with clarity, change behavior.
I have learned in my trials that first and foremost, you have to express your feelings, some do it on twitter, others do it on facebook, others see a therapist. I choose to show my children and grandchildren
that I could be silly, I could love, hurt, grow, show compassion, find forgiveness, and most of all I could let them know you have to somehow express your feelings. Its better and healthier and perhaps safer to do it by talking to yourself, but letting the emotions out clears us, we can then, take time to heal, and learn to love again, and have faith in others.
I do not write often, it seems to come in waves, happiness, love, pain, sadness, but these are healthy emotions we were given by God.
I choose to set goals, to try to project who I want or need or choose to be as a goal, I change the
negative, or the hurtful and find a way to help others learn that life is full of great and wonderful things.The world has some wonderful beautiful people, I choose to live my roller coaster life hopefully showing others who take the risk and read these that the hardest thing in life is facing ourselves.
I had to face some tough truths today, noone hurt me, I allowed myself to love, that was not wrong.
I allowed myself to believe maybe I deserved something wonderful, or someone wonderful.
When we love, as I have stated before we do not have a choice, not really, we feel what we feel towards family, loved ones, friends.
I am not saying its easy, I will never shut anyone out of my life, but I believe when someone touches
your heart and soul, you just enjoy the ride. It might be short, long, or a lifetime.
I use to wake up every day at first fearful of how much time I had left to fix things, funny that I actually
thought I could fix and control situations and people. A dear friend pointed out I should just open my heart, love who needs it, help if I can, leave something behind worth sharing, and take everything bad and use it to help others. My challenges in life remind me and also do a great job of humbling me when I need that reminder.
I share hoping that its not just the ramblings of a middle aged grandma, that someday it will show them
I was passionate, about everything, and everyone. Life, love, family, and helping.
It was interesting my greatest fear for the last 27 years came true, I lost my first love in an accident, my greatest fear was if I truly loved again I would lose it, only I believed it some ways it could be worse if
they were alive where I could see them, talk to them, call them. I was so wrong.
Love is not something to fear, it is something to embrace, enjoy, be cautious and careful but never try
to hold the heart back, it will just run over you anyway.
So my responsibility is to take it and give love, compassion, wish them the best in love and life
and be there if they need me. I surprised myself on that one.
But I spent 2 1/2 hours tonight with a stranger who needed to find the way home, I felt the peace, I felt
my Heavenly Father reminding me that though I may be afraid of being loved, okay giving love is easy, letting others love me maybe not my strong suit.
I find that life shows you what you need, how to learn, but you have to be willing to get hurt, be changed, to allow yourself to love, to hurt, to let others know you.
You also have to be willing to forgive, to forget, to move forward. Healing is beautiful when you find
that you can let it go, move on.
So I write, not intending to be published or to be famous, only to prove to myself mainly I can grow, change, learn, love.
Hey be glad all of you that I haven't posted 4 of my 5 books on here yet. ha ha.\
I have been living the last 8 or 9 years as if they were the last days of my life.
After being told I had 3 months to live and well sorry world I stick around 8 1/2 more years
I made the decision to share who I am, perhaps its part for the legacy I leave behind.
My children, my grandchildren, assuming the internet will still be going when they are grown.
But I try to never mention names when its my deepest feelings. I talk about my family, I talk about
my thoughts and feelings. But its part therapy, part legacy, and part finding out how I grow or decline.
Most keep diaries, or hidden thoughts, for me well this is who I am. I am an author, a speaker and well
I try to share, the pain I go through whether physical or mental or emotional will help me grow,and
change, and be stronger. I can also look back view my mistakes, and with clarity, change behavior.
I have learned in my trials that first and foremost, you have to express your feelings, some do it on twitter, others do it on facebook, others see a therapist. I choose to show my children and grandchildren
that I could be silly, I could love, hurt, grow, show compassion, find forgiveness, and most of all I could let them know you have to somehow express your feelings. Its better and healthier and perhaps safer to do it by talking to yourself, but letting the emotions out clears us, we can then, take time to heal, and learn to love again, and have faith in others.
I do not write often, it seems to come in waves, happiness, love, pain, sadness, but these are healthy emotions we were given by God.
I choose to set goals, to try to project who I want or need or choose to be as a goal, I change the
negative, or the hurtful and find a way to help others learn that life is full of great and wonderful things.The world has some wonderful beautiful people, I choose to live my roller coaster life hopefully showing others who take the risk and read these that the hardest thing in life is facing ourselves.
I had to face some tough truths today, noone hurt me, I allowed myself to love, that was not wrong.
I allowed myself to believe maybe I deserved something wonderful, or someone wonderful.
When we love, as I have stated before we do not have a choice, not really, we feel what we feel towards family, loved ones, friends.
I am not saying its easy, I will never shut anyone out of my life, but I believe when someone touches
your heart and soul, you just enjoy the ride. It might be short, long, or a lifetime.
I use to wake up every day at first fearful of how much time I had left to fix things, funny that I actually
thought I could fix and control situations and people. A dear friend pointed out I should just open my heart, love who needs it, help if I can, leave something behind worth sharing, and take everything bad and use it to help others. My challenges in life remind me and also do a great job of humbling me when I need that reminder.
I share hoping that its not just the ramblings of a middle aged grandma, that someday it will show them
I was passionate, about everything, and everyone. Life, love, family, and helping.
It was interesting my greatest fear for the last 27 years came true, I lost my first love in an accident, my greatest fear was if I truly loved again I would lose it, only I believed it some ways it could be worse if
they were alive where I could see them, talk to them, call them. I was so wrong.
Love is not something to fear, it is something to embrace, enjoy, be cautious and careful but never try
to hold the heart back, it will just run over you anyway.
So my responsibility is to take it and give love, compassion, wish them the best in love and life
and be there if they need me. I surprised myself on that one.
But I spent 2 1/2 hours tonight with a stranger who needed to find the way home, I felt the peace, I felt
my Heavenly Father reminding me that though I may be afraid of being loved, okay giving love is easy, letting others love me maybe not my strong suit.
I find that life shows you what you need, how to learn, but you have to be willing to get hurt, be changed, to allow yourself to love, to hurt, to let others know you.
You also have to be willing to forgive, to forget, to move forward. Healing is beautiful when you find
that you can let it go, move on.
So I write, not intending to be published or to be famous, only to prove to myself mainly I can grow, change, learn, love.
Friday, July 6, 2018
Broken Heart,Tears, Love
Love can be so painful, I hope anyone who ever reads this will remember to listen to their own hearts
and to always let the other know where they stand.
You cant help who you fall in love with, something just opens up and allows them in no matter how hard you try to fight it.
I will never regret loving anyone, but my heart finds that the hope it was feeling was probably just
my own wishes, dreams.
I knew something was off, I couldnt be my true self, relax, and just enjoy my time with him.
My heart knew it was was giving it all it had, and I will always love him, and I want him happy
more then anything else. I truly hope he finds exactly what it is his heart needs.
Tears flowing, salty, pouring out, the dam that kept all my emotions tied up is releasing.
I tried really tried to not love him, but I have only felt that feeling in my life twice, it was just
something that said the person underneath was amazing even if he didnt know it.
I still feel that way, I cant blame him for not feeling it. I understand more then he will ever know.
I have wondered if when things are back to being normal, my body, my job, getting things fixed
if when he saw the real me if things would change...but how do you let someone who you loved go?
How do you tell them your sorry for not being the real you, for not being the calm, gentle me I knew
I was, but I couldnt shake that feeling that the dream was going to end.
So I would be too nervous, trying to enjoy what I could, but knowing that it would always be just
me loving him.
As Brett Young Says...Have Mercy
I understand the song from Carrie Underwood "Cry Pretty"
Today will be hard, really hard, and maybe I should just wait till I am back to me before trying
again, because I know last time it took me 4 1/2 years to open up.
I can tell this is gonna hurt for awhile.....
" I would still play that favorite song, in your car, Let you love me till it felt like ours
Now all I hear is the end, but I would let you do it over again, just to have you.
I would introduce you to my children, say "I love him" when you left the room
Even though we break up in the end."
Cry Pretty - Carrie Underwood
I am sorry but I am just a girl,
NOt usually the kind to show my heart to the world.
I am pretty good at keeping it together
I will hold my composure for worse or better
SO I APOLOGIZE IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE
But sometimes my emotions get the best of me
And falling apart is as human as it gets
You cant hide it, you cant fight what the truth is
You can pretty lie and say its okay,you can pretty smile and walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you cant Cry Pretty
and to always let the other know where they stand.
You cant help who you fall in love with, something just opens up and allows them in no matter how hard you try to fight it.
I will never regret loving anyone, but my heart finds that the hope it was feeling was probably just
my own wishes, dreams.
I knew something was off, I couldnt be my true self, relax, and just enjoy my time with him.
My heart knew it was was giving it all it had, and I will always love him, and I want him happy
more then anything else. I truly hope he finds exactly what it is his heart needs.
Tears flowing, salty, pouring out, the dam that kept all my emotions tied up is releasing.
I tried really tried to not love him, but I have only felt that feeling in my life twice, it was just
something that said the person underneath was amazing even if he didnt know it.
I still feel that way, I cant blame him for not feeling it. I understand more then he will ever know.
I have wondered if when things are back to being normal, my body, my job, getting things fixed
if when he saw the real me if things would change...but how do you let someone who you loved go?
How do you tell them your sorry for not being the real you, for not being the calm, gentle me I knew
I was, but I couldnt shake that feeling that the dream was going to end.
So I would be too nervous, trying to enjoy what I could, but knowing that it would always be just
me loving him.
As Brett Young Says...Have Mercy
I understand the song from Carrie Underwood "Cry Pretty"
Today will be hard, really hard, and maybe I should just wait till I am back to me before trying
again, because I know last time it took me 4 1/2 years to open up.
I can tell this is gonna hurt for awhile.....
" I would still play that favorite song, in your car, Let you love me till it felt like ours
Now all I hear is the end, but I would let you do it over again, just to have you.
I would introduce you to my children, say "I love him" when you left the room
Even though we break up in the end."
Cry Pretty - Carrie Underwood
I am sorry but I am just a girl,
NOt usually the kind to show my heart to the world.
I am pretty good at keeping it together
I will hold my composure for worse or better
SO I APOLOGIZE IF YOU DONT LIKE WHAT YOU SEE
But sometimes my emotions get the best of me
And falling apart is as human as it gets
You cant hide it, you cant fight what the truth is
You can pretty lie and say its okay,you can pretty smile and walk away
Pretty much fake your way through anything
But you cant Cry Pretty
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