After my 2 prior posts yesterday I was asked why or how I could put my deepest feelings into writings.
Hey be glad all of you that I haven't posted 4 of my 5 books on here yet. ha ha.\
I have been living the last 8 or 9 years as if they were the last days of my life.
After being told I had 3 months to live and well sorry world I stick around 8 1/2 more years
I made the decision to share who I am, perhaps its part for the legacy I leave behind.
My children, my grandchildren, assuming the internet will still be going when they are grown.
But I try to never mention names when its my deepest feelings. I talk about my family, I talk about
my thoughts and feelings. But its part therapy, part legacy, and part finding out how I grow or decline.
Most keep diaries, or hidden thoughts, for me well this is who I am. I am an author, a speaker and well
I try to share, the pain I go through whether physical or mental or emotional will help me grow,and
change, and be stronger. I can also look back view my mistakes, and with clarity, change behavior.
I have learned in my trials that first and foremost, you have to express your feelings, some do it on twitter, others do it on facebook, others see a therapist. I choose to show my children and grandchildren
that I could be silly, I could love, hurt, grow, show compassion, find forgiveness, and most of all I could let them know you have to somehow express your feelings. Its better and healthier and perhaps safer to do it by talking to yourself, but letting the emotions out clears us, we can then, take time to heal, and learn to love again, and have faith in others.
I do not write often, it seems to come in waves, happiness, love, pain, sadness, but these are healthy emotions we were given by God.
I choose to set goals, to try to project who I want or need or choose to be as a goal, I change the
negative, or the hurtful and find a way to help others learn that life is full of great and wonderful things.The world has some wonderful beautiful people, I choose to live my roller coaster life hopefully showing others who take the risk and read these that the hardest thing in life is facing ourselves.
I had to face some tough truths today, noone hurt me, I allowed myself to love, that was not wrong.
I allowed myself to believe maybe I deserved something wonderful, or someone wonderful.
When we love, as I have stated before we do not have a choice, not really, we feel what we feel towards family, loved ones, friends.
I am not saying its easy, I will never shut anyone out of my life, but I believe when someone touches
your heart and soul, you just enjoy the ride. It might be short, long, or a lifetime.
I use to wake up every day at first fearful of how much time I had left to fix things, funny that I actually
thought I could fix and control situations and people. A dear friend pointed out I should just open my heart, love who needs it, help if I can, leave something behind worth sharing, and take everything bad and use it to help others. My challenges in life remind me and also do a great job of humbling me when I need that reminder.
I share hoping that its not just the ramblings of a middle aged grandma, that someday it will show them
I was passionate, about everything, and everyone. Life, love, family, and helping.
It was interesting my greatest fear for the last 27 years came true, I lost my first love in an accident, my greatest fear was if I truly loved again I would lose it, only I believed it some ways it could be worse if
they were alive where I could see them, talk to them, call them. I was so wrong.
Love is not something to fear, it is something to embrace, enjoy, be cautious and careful but never try
to hold the heart back, it will just run over you anyway.
So my responsibility is to take it and give love, compassion, wish them the best in love and life
and be there if they need me. I surprised myself on that one.
But I spent 2 1/2 hours tonight with a stranger who needed to find the way home, I felt the peace, I felt
my Heavenly Father reminding me that though I may be afraid of being loved, okay giving love is easy, letting others love me maybe not my strong suit.
I find that life shows you what you need, how to learn, but you have to be willing to get hurt, be changed, to allow yourself to love, to hurt, to let others know you.
You also have to be willing to forgive, to forget, to move forward. Healing is beautiful when you find
that you can let it go, move on.
So I write, not intending to be published or to be famous, only to prove to myself mainly I can grow, change, learn, love.
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