IF ONLY

If only I could go back to the first conversation, back to the first kiss, the first everything.
I know it would not change much, but I feel as if from the beginning to the end maybe if
I was really me, then maybe I could find you....
I woke up tonight upset, crying your name and found myself realizing that I had to admit so much.
I had to admit I love you, I had to admit that I was not what you wanted or needed.
If only in my search for whomever it is or was that I was meant to love I realized that I do want the passion I give or feel to be returned.
I want someone who needs me, who wants me, who feels as strongly about holding on to who you love, never letting go.
I woke up and made myself a promise, that I would focus on living my life, helping those I can.
and maybe some day I will feel open again.
I will be open minded, have an open heart, and find the missing piece of my life.
Someone who makes me laugh, makes me smile, someone who when they hug me I feel as if they
are pulling me into them.
Life is hard enough without doing it alone, Love is hard enough to only have one person feel it.
When you are loved you miss them, you need them, you want them, but most of all you want their happiness more then you want yours.
If only those moments that leave you breathless, that make your soul feel like its been touched.well they should be treasured.
If only the big mistakes I made I could undo, but the hardest thing I ever did was let you go.
If only the time I wasted, the love I did not acknowledge, changed me, helped me to mature.
I cannot undo what I have done, but I can be different, I can take all the hardships, all the challenges
and I can appreciate what I have.
If only I had not loved you, but then I would not have known how it feels to hold you, love you, need you and because of it, let you go.
You said that my caring went too fast, but it was not what I wanted, I wanted to just enjoy and let you go I suppose God had other ideas.
I wonder at times if  we had a real chance, no issues, no drama, what could we or would we do?
What if we both ended all the games and just honestly let ourselves be ourselves
If only I hadnt loved you, if only you would have just relaxed and allow yourself to feel.
If only I could stop missing you, stop needing you...